I have called my son “beautiful” and “gorgeous” all his life. He’s beautiful inside and out, and I never thought twice about using these words with him. But now that I have a little girl, I find myself calling her beautiful and then following it with “and so smart.” And now that she walks around in her dresses and twirls her little body in a circle, in front of the mirror, and says, “I’m beautiful,” I’m not sure what to make of it.
It’s important for children to have high self-esteem, in terms of their appearances and their intellectual potential and as parents, it is our job to fill their glasses with as many positive comments that will balloon their confidence. I think it’s important to feel beautiful as much as it is to feel smart, and this goes for boys and girls. Read the rest of this article on the WM Parenting Connection for whom I blog at http://www.thewmparentingconnection.com/2011/01/semantics-of-beauty-and-raising-girls.html
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We have told my 5 yo she is beautiful from day one, but now she is showing signs of being very mathematically inclined with a budding photographic memory, we often tell her she is really smart. Her reply? “I know.”
Lanita, photographic memory?!! That’s incredible. Wish I had been born with that gift. Your daughter’s potential is going to skyrocket! She sounds like a hoot!
Such a great post Marina. My mom did this for me and I have self-esteem through the roof. Haha!
I think the smarts aspect has alot to do with a society read to receive intelligent women into it. The feminist movement really opened that door but there is definitely a long way to go.
Great advice!
Yeah, my mom didn’t do any of that. Her philosophy was that if she put me down, I would try to prove her wrong — didn’t work too well. I still got far though…I suppose it’s why I’m so aware with my kids. Lessons learned! Thanks for being such a loyal reader.
I love this post too Marina. It is so important. I tell my daughter that she is beautiful and smart all the time. She has been told since birth how beautiful she is and that she should be on TV, so i do like to balance the importance of being smart and kind as well. I also tell her that when people are mean or bullies no matter what they look like they are ugly. Mean in our home means Ugly automatically, and i think my daughter agrees, although she is only 5.
Yesterday she came home from school with two “very important bits of news”. One was that she actually Read a book for the Principal of the school, she was so proud of herself,(and so am i, she is reading!!!) the other news was that a teacher in the library said “oh who is that beautiful girl”. I am glad she is gettiing attention in both areas, but i am even more happy that she valued the praise of reading to the principal more that the beauty comment…although she did eat that up too. :)
Helaine, I love your little girl! She’s wonderful.
Thanks Marina, Kaitlyn is more than i could have ever dreamed of. Your little Marina E. looks like some kinda wonderful too. She actually reminds me of Kaitlyn at her age, so much sometimes!!
I think this is a great post but I don’t think this logic works for everyone – my parents told me that I was beautiful and clever for as far as I can remember but I don’t believe them and have self-esteem issues
I think they’re just saying it because they have to because they’re my parents and if anything I think it can sometimes make children feel pressured that they have to do well in order to feel that they’ve earned this praise that they’re being given
“And now that she walks around in her dresses and twirls her little body in a circle, in front of the mirror, and says, “I’m beautiful,” I’m not sure what to make of it.”
Make of it that you have a perfectly normal little girl, who is going to be different from your perfectly normal little boy ;) Embrace it, girls are a delight and a treasure if we just step back and let them be who they are. (Without, of course, letting them go down the diva/attitude path)
A note on the “smart” thing… I’ve seen a lot of parenting-types discourage just telling kids they’re smart, but instead encouraging finding something more concrete to reinforce, ie “You did a great job at….”, “You worked really hard…”, etc. Because applying the “smart” label, as they get older, adds external pressure for them to be fighting to live up to. Having been that “smart” kid, that really rang a bell with me.
Karen, you make such important and valid points on the issue of specific compliments — not just blanket statements. Since I read this, I make sure to give my kids specific and concrete compliments. Thank you for commenting on this issue!
Glad I could give you some encouragement :)