I lay down beside my three-year old daughter last night because she woke up calling for me in the middle of the night. At some point, she smacks me in the face with her arm, which awakens me,
and she whispers to me,
“Mommy, let me be a princess?”
My heart sank a little, and even though I knew she was half asleep, I asked, “Why do you want to be a princess?”
“Because I love it so,” she replied, fastening her thumb back into her mouth and falling asleep again.
This conversation, albeit short and to the point, jarred me, saddened me. I don’t want my daughter to be a princess; I don’t want her to be girly or silly, or anything that is attributed to princess idolatry. I want her to be strong and intelligent, fiery and confident. I want her to play sports, with the boys, Annie Oakley’s tune “Anything you can do, I can do better,” embedded in her head and springing forth from her vocal chords in daily recitations of her strength and empowerment. I want her walls to be plastered with quotes from famous writers and feminists, degrees and awards bumping and edging against one another and nailed to her walls in permanence, reminding her every day that she is a woman, an intelligent, confident, superior woman who can do anything that men can do, and she can even do it better than they have done it.
Princesses don’t send these messages. Princesses are physically perfect, sweet, lovely to look at, and demure. They are compliant, one-dimensional, and helpless until the Prince they have been waiting for comes out of nowhere, usually upon a horse, to save them from their troubles. And even though Disney has updated its perspective on Princesses to fit the changes in time and young girls’ attitudes, we are still stuck with the same archetype of femininity: we all strive to achieve, to no avail, until we meet Prince Charming — it is only when he comes along that our journey begins. It is only through him — his tenacity, his virility — that we are able to discover ourselves and our femininity. Let’s look at some contemporary examples:
Beauty and the Beast: Belle, a bookworm seeking adventures, struggles in a provincial town until she meets the Beast. It is only when she meets him that her adventures begin, and really she is powerless throughout the movie, since she is his prisoner. Of course, all ends happily when he turns into a gorgeous Prince — Would she have stayed with him if he had remained the Beast? And could she have had adventures that did not include men?
The Little Mermaid: Ariel is a beautiful mermaid who seeks adventures and explores the ocean against her protective father’s will. She is a collector of human objects because she wants to be human, but her true adventure doesn’t begin until she sees Eric. It is only when she sees him that she wants to truly be human. In the end, he saves her from the sea witch and despite her free spirit and adventurous soul, she settles down with a Prince just to live a domestic life as a Princess.
The Princess and The Frog: Here we have our very first black Princess, who is not really a Princess; she is the complete opposite: poor and disadvantaged. Tiana works hard to save enough money so that she can buy and run her own restaurant — which was also her father’s dream. She is not looking for love, or a Prince to save her, but her adventure only begins when the frog — a lazy and good-for-nothing Prince comes along for a kiss that will make them both rich and royal. She works too hard and doesn’t have any fun — he is too lazy and has too much fun — and together they fall in love and balance one another out — but why is working too hard and being single-sighted and ambitious such a bad thing for Tiana? Is it because she’s a girl? If she were the Prince, there would be no story to tell — ambition and single-minded hunger for success are innate, supposedly.
Tangled: Disney’s new and contemporary version of Rapunzel, she is feisty and beautiful, but she has lived in her tower all her life until fun-loving bandit Flyn Rider comes along. Again, her adventures don’t begin until a man finds refuge in her prison tower, and it is not until she falls in love with him that she endeavors to escape her prison walls, discover adventure and herself, and fulfill her dreams.
Unlike the old-fashioned models of the soft-spoken, docile, and patient Princesses like Cinderella, Snow white, and Sleeping Beauty, today’s princesses are similarly beautiful — but they are also strong, intelligent, and confident. However, their adventures are dependent on the men that “save” them. Being independent and empowered is not enough in the minds of those who continue to make these movies and revamp old stories of young girls — Like Sleeping Beauty, they are all asleep, trapped within the confines of society’s norms and limited definitions for femininity and girlhood — They may be smart, educated, and capable of taking care of themselves, but they still need a man, a prince, to awaken them. Men bring them the adventures they desire to have for themselves in order to grow and develop into women, which is unachievable without the presence of a strong and fun-loving male – whether he is a Prince, a bandit, or a lazy leech. The Princess dares not become Queen without a King to guide her towards womanhood — and this is the subtle messages these Princesses and their Princes send to our little girls.
Question: How do you address the Princess issue with your daughters? Is it even an issue?
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Marina DelVecchio
I am all for strong women, women who believe in their own abilities. I know I can problem solve most anything. I can take care of myself. I guess I wanted to get married to start my real life. I wanted someone to navigate through life with. Someone to always be there. Someone who wants to have adventures with me as well as snug and read books with me. The real challenge is in being able to take care of someone else as well. Children are such a lovely responsibility , but resposibility they are. On becoming a mother you learn your real strengths and weaknesses. Love and patience in that order for me.
I needed man to start my real life. I knew I wanted to have a home and family as well as an occupation. Then I became a bigger and better person…. wow that was hard to just learn. But family is everything.
I agree with you, Doreen. Family is the most important thing to me as well. Thank you for sharing about your experience — and for reading!
I wonder if there’s really a correlation between girls feeling and acting “girly” and loving the Prince Charming story construct, and how they grow up? Do 20 and 30-year old girls still buy it? I’d love to talk to some of them and see if this Princess emphasis on the Gen X & Y baby girls had any impact on the way they view men and partnership with men. You’re a college instructor. What do you see, or is it not evident from the lecturn?
Lynne, I teach at a Community College, and so my students did not have the luxury of dressing up as Princesses when they were children. That said, I do see society’s mark on them, even though they have been disadvantaged. Women seem to be about their looks. My problem with Princesses is that girls are “taught” to dress up in frilly Princess dresses, wear makeup, and wait for Prince Charming. It’s only a fraction of the “big” problem with girls’ toys and games because they all teach girls to focus on their looks as opposed to their personalities, their strengths, adventures, problem-solving skills, etc. Boys’ toys teach boys to be strong, aggressive, and adventurous. Princesses don’t.
Thanks for the thoughtful questions, and forcing me to address them.
Marina,
You know me and you know both my girls!! I have a 15 year old tomboy who can hang and beat up most of the boys we know and then I have a 7 year old princess girl. However, I was at Disney two weeks ago for my younger daughter’s b-day and she was doing the Bippity-Boppity Boutique for her special day when my older daughter chimes in with “I want to do it toooooo” !! So, they both had their hair, nails, makeup and outfits done up like princesses. Afterwards, I asked why they picked this for their event and the answers were surprisingly the same. 15 year old “because, she is strong, independent AND beautiful–hair and makeup always nice and dressed beautifully”, 7 year old “because whatever she decides she wants to do, she does and she is always pretty too”. They picked two very different princesses that I felt were “victims” in their Disney movies, but the message my girl’s got was in direct conflict with mine. Yet another reminder that we are given these incredible girls to raise and care for, but they are their own, individual selfs no matter what we do!! Just love them, indulge them (a little) and pray for the best. It is all in the big plan anyway. All of our worrying, stressing and molding will not have the slightest affect on God’s will! :) I love your writing and really enjoy reading them all, keep up the excellent work!! Beth
Beth, thanks so much. And what you say is so true…whatever plan is in place for both my kids, there’s only so much I can do. Once I let go, they’re on their own. Kind of scary…But thanks for the reassurance and the heads up, I think!
Beth, maybe it’s not so much the influence of the princesses (and media) as other things, like how we see our mothers (in my case). How cool that your daughters are getting the “independent and strong” message. Good job!
Nature vs. Nurture — back to the old dance and song! Can’t get away from it. But what happens when you don’t have a mother to model yourself after?
Pingback: Marina Delvecchio
As women (and girls) we are God’s princesses. We are royalty in the Kingdom of Heaven!
Thanks, April. We definitely are.
Hi Marina. I know just what you mean. For your information, there is a GREAT series written by Patricia Wrede about a princess whose father wants her to learn etiquette and she wants to learn magic, Latin and math. He refuses but she has a solution. An enchanted frog tells her to go to dragons – and she does. She becomes a dragon’s apprentice and in the process finds she is quite capable of not only running her life, but saving her kingdom’s as well. The first book is called “Dealing with Dragons” and I highly recommend it.
I also hope you’ll come visit my blog – I have been ‘absent’ for a while but am back and talk about the art of constructive criticism. I hope you have time to add to the discussion.
All the best and Happy Holidays,
Meryl Jaffe PhD
http://www.departingthetext.blogspot.com
Hi Meryl, Thanks for the recommendation. Will look it up. Going to your site now.
I wonder why girls must act like boys in order to escape the Princess Myth. It’s almost as if we’re buying into the Boys-Are-Better Myth by saying we want our girls to grow up as anti-princesses (aka boys). Sorry to be difficult towards such a great and insightful post, but I’ve been pondering this problem for many years and only recently began to think about what kind of stories/myths/truths need to be realized in order for girl-ish-ness to be embraced as something good and not something abhorred by feminism. I’d enjoy your thoughts about this. Feel free to email me directly.
—Kelly Jo, Ecrivain Mere
ecrivainmere.blogspot.com
Kelly Jo, it’s not that girls should behave like boys, but that girls should have the same rights and opportunities as boys. Since man took pen to paper, he has been defining women and what they are capable of. Although some female voices have been discovered historically, (some in Middle Ages), there are very few. Women are who they are today because men have defined them as such. They decided that we were too fragile and tender things, that we needed protecting because we were smaller, that we existed to succumb to their needs and desires. We became objects. There are gender differences ( girls vs. boys), and then there are stereotypes that come hand in hand with those differences. The stereotypes are perpetuated because people think the way we act and dress and think is innate and not learned. Princesses only reinforce antiquated notions of femininity that describe girls as docile, pretty, and helpless. When we think that it is innate in girls to gaze in the mirror, doll up their hair, play with baby dolls, dress up in heels and gowns, this is what we call social constructions of femininity. We don’t come out of the womb like this — society inscribes upon us what history has termed for us — and we buy it. We think it’s normal behavior for girls, and it has been for centuries, but it limits us to the domestic spaces of society when we would be better off fulfilling our individual needs and potential. It’s not a boy or girl thing — it’s the attitudes of each, and how these attitudes define our potential, or limit it.
Marina, what a great blog entry (as usual). As a mom of two girls, I’ve been struggling with the movies and shows I expose them to. One of my biggest gripes has been the ‘princess saved by prince’ storyline that you see everywhere. Why can’t a princess save a prince for once? or why does a girl always have to become a princess to be happy? And don’t get me started on Barbie. I’m interested to check out the line of books mentioned above!
Hey Tannia, thanks for coming over and commenting. I have to look at the barbie movies. Def doing a post on her history.
Marina, Interesting blog. I have a young daughter who loves princesses, but also loves cooking, race cars, legos (or anything in the civil engineering field), soccer, ballet etc. After she watched Princess and the Frog, her takeaway was that she wanted to be a restauranteur… go figure. Growing up, all i wanted was to be an artist, and a friend of my mother’s laughed at me one day and said to my mom something to the effect that she’d be supporting a starving artist for the rest of her life. She never stood up to her friend and that sent the wrong message to an impressionable child. So for me, encouraging my daughter to be anything she wants to be is far more important that dispelling myths put forth in cartoons about men sweeping women off their feet. That encouragement in itself makes her stronger and believe in herself and her power to be anything. So when she says she wants to be a princess, I say, that’s great, and what kind of princess do you want to be to be the best princess in the world. Just a thought – and yes, she is very very familiar with Annie Oakley as well :-)
Thanks, Leanne, for your very thoughtful and candid response. I don’t discourage my daughter’s appreciation for certain toys and princess things. She’s seen all the Princess movies, and her favorite is Ariel – which I love, since she’s an adventurer and explorer. I never openly tell her not to like something –but I definitely am the voice in her ear that makes her see past the frilly stuff. When watching Beauty and the Beast, I tell her to notice how Belle loves to read and is searching for adventure. But I also encourage her to play with her brother’s toys, and today I found her with three batmen having an imaginary conversation with one another. I understand what you’re saying, but I would never openly reject her needs, choices, or dreams. I’m way too self-aware to do so.
You know, with 5 boys, I do kinda want a princess, but I’m more of the tomboy type myself, so I can agree with you…
I’ve got some Disney Tangled interactive books that your little girl would love! (Sorry)….http://imnotnagging.blogspot.com/2010/11/readers-digest-disney-tangled-and.html
Happy Holidays, Marina!
Queen Mom
Hi Bethany, love your giveaways. Coming over. Thanks for getting in on the conversation!
Pingback: Santa’s List and Teaching Children Consumerism
Pingback: New Year’s Resolutions, Empowerment, 2011, Marina DelVecchio
Pingback: beauty and raising girls
Pingback: Tony Porter: A Call to Men « The Social Documentary
Just came across
Hi just came across this article as my little sister insisted we found out ‘Beast’s’ name after watching Beauty and the Beast. I noticed that this article seems to have been dormant for a while now but I’d just thought I might add a perspective on the Princes. I understand your site is concerned more with women’s issues and a such you focus on the Princesses, however I wouldn’t use the Princes as good role models for any young boys they’re much more one dimensional than the Princesses themselves. These films basically say if you want the girl be good looking and rich.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting on The Princess Fallacy. I so agree with you — the male characters — the Princes, at least — are incredibly static and they have to be rich and royal. Even if they are pretending to be rich and royal, which is the case with some Disney movies like Aladin. This fits in quite well with the stereotype that women need to find themselves rich men to take care of them. After that, their dreams come true and the story is finished. There’s a great YouTube video on how Disney portrays the male characters in these movies, if you’re interested. Disney’s portrayal of both boys and girls are fraught with stereotypes and completely outdated. What is the Beast’s name by the way? Good question!
The princess Marisa from Disney’s Brave doesn’t need or even want a prince. She’s strong and is a better shot than the boys. Mulan is another Princess she does fall in love but her adventure doesn’t start with a prince.